Empty and unsatisfied

Why do I get continually deceived into believing that the things of this world can fill me up and satisfy me? It always leads to disappointment and sadness and even despair. But, then my tender loving God gives me a nudge and reminds me that I feel “empty” because I was created to be filled by HIM; that only He can meet my deep longing for love and acceptance, meaning and purpose.

I’m a highly sensitive and overly emotional person. Maybe for that reason, the Lord God relates to me mainly through emotions. He has a unique relationship with each of His children, but with me and Him, there is a lot of crying. Sometimes I think that I have the spiritual gift of “crying His tears,” but I don’t remember seeing that one listed in Romans or Corinthians.

He also shares a lot of the “feel good” emotions with me too, so today I am copying a section from my diary about His joyous love!

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(Diary entry from September 14, 2016)

“You love me. My beloved is mine. You called me – You drew me to Yourself. You waited – You saved me. I received Your life. You made Yourself known. I became a new creation! I was amazed by the truth – by YOU. It was real – to be born again. It’s real!

I walked in the Spirit. I drifted. I became tempted by the Law. The devil engaged me in battle. He used the lie – if you only know what is good, and do that; and if you only know what is evil, and you avoid that, then you can be like God.

And I believed his lie! I gave it my all. I was zealous for Legalism.

I even moved away and went to Bible College. It got worse. I could then be devoted to legalism 7 days a week / 24 hours a day.

…I was proud. I was confident that I was sanctifying myself – what a FOOL.

But I had always wanted to get married… (And so I did.)

The early years of our marriage were hard. I didn’t feel cherished. I didn’t really feel loved. We just weren’t soul mates. We weren’t “made for each other.” …

I expected my husband to be a believer. He didn’t act like one. We didn’t share the same faith. Recently, he admitted that he may have faked it. May have lied. He really just wanted to get married.

I struggled a lot those 1st seven years. They were hard. So much I did not understand. My husband had given up trying to live a life that he could not live. Christianity became one big, huge burden. He threw it off completely when our 3rd-born was a baby. From 2002 – 2004 I went to church by myself. Downcast. Sad. Angry. Resentful. Frustrated. Questioning . . .

I was supposed to be a Christian. But I sure wasn’t acting like it. The emptiness and futility of my “Christian effort” was proving to be a waste. Why was I so hateful? Where was the love and kindness and forgiveness? It was like when someone realizes they are living in the Matrix. I was waking up. I was beginning to see the bars of my cage. My eyes were opening. I still could not see clearly.

I had doubts. I had questions. NO! It’s not possible that I am a prisoner of war. But, I was! It would take a few more years for me to see that fact clearly.

First, I had to quit church. In 2005, I stopped going to church.

Those two years were remarkable and eye-opening. Then in 2007, I found Bob George. Read his book, Classic Christianity.

Next, I found Aaron Budjen. Aaron. That mighty warrior for the Lord. Then I found out about his Bible Studies. But it was mainly through listening to his CD’s and radio programs – and by listening to his Radio Archive through his website that I began to GROW!

I began to grow up in every way. As soon as I grasped the fact that I was a forgiven person . . . the chains fell off. The prison cage fell away. The strongholds fell down. MY THINKING BECAME OBEDIENT TO CHRIST! 🙂

“Take every thought captive…”

The only way that is possible is to believe in the gospel. Believe in the simplicity of what He has done.

Oh! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

He first loved me! So I love Him! I love my brothers and sisters too! We are a family. 🙂

I love the way You are leading me, Lord. You are preparing the works for me to walk in. You lead me. You use me. You teach me.

(It’s too good to be true!)

But it IS true! It is real. The God of the Universe is my Lord and my friend!

Thank you Mighty Father!

Lisa

YouTube video of my personal testimony

Hey guys!  I am posting a YouTube video here that I made detailing my journey from death to life, and then from legalism to grace.  I hope that it brings glory to God and that people can see how amazing He is — He can save anyone!  Finally, the title credit goes to John Bunyan for his fantastic book “Pilgrim’s Progress” which I think is pretty great.

Blog posted on March 29, 2020

Grace Given To Me – my personal testimony – Part 3

I worked full-time in the front office of the Bible College, and attended classes part-time. One day in December of 1993, a brand-new student from Virginia Beach was brought to the front office to check in. He was fresh out of the Navy – mustache and all – and had been serving as a deep-sea diver.

“Stay away from him,” I thought. “He’s my age; he’s cute, and a bit nerdy too! I could really like him.” I was committed to my college classes, however, so I tried to avoid him as much as possible.

A year later, in November of ’94, I had reached the ripe old age of 25, and I was finally ready for a serious relationship. All I had ever really wanted was to be a wife and a mom.  So, when Christopher asked me to eat lunch with him in the school cafeteria, I said yes.

This was the beginning of our “courtship” as we called it. We agreed that our purpose was to discover if we would make good marriage partners. Christopher then began to read book after book on the proper methods of Christian dating, advice for newly married couples, etc.

We went to Chuck Smith’s church – “Big Calvary” – on our first official date. Chris drove us to Costa Mesa in his ugly black Dodge truck that had a three-foot-long bumper sticker on the back window stating, “Jesus said: “Unless you repent, you shall perish!”

After church, Chris sat me down to discuss the message. “OK now, did he say anything that was wrong?” Wrong! Wrong? Isn’t that against the rules? We’re not allowed to disagree with Papa Chuck!

Five months later, in May of 1995, Christopher asked me to marry him. The next day, he broke off our engagement.

Chris wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing; he wasn’t sure if he was in the center of God’s will. We were constantly told that it was essential to find God’s perfect will for our life, otherwise we would be living in sin and disobedience. Christopher had prayed and waited and fasted and listened and . . . He had not heard from God.

Feeling distressed, Chris sought advice from a pastor who taught at our school, David Hocking. Pastor Hocking said that as long as I was a believer, Chris was free to marry me. He recommended a book, Decision Making & the Will of God: A Biblical Alternative to the Traditional View by Garry Friesen.

Chris found the book in the school library, devoured it, and his life was changed! We became re-engaged! This had all happened in one day. Man, was my head spinning!

Christopher was now set free from a huge weight; he was released from the pressure to live up to an unattainable standard. I did not grasp or comprehend the matter, so I just brushed it under some rug in my mind.

We graduated in June of 1995 and were married several months later. Since we were such “committed Christians” (whatever that means!?), of course we had our first kiss at our wedding, and forbade dancing and alcohol at our reception.

After our honeymoon, Chris joined me on staff at the Bible College. With a close-up view of the pastors, Christopher began to witness instances of hypocrisy and abuse of power. He was repelled. His attitude toward the “rules” became even more relaxed. He acted out with a variety of antics, such as burping on the staff walkie-talkies, listening to secular music at home, and quitting his daily Bible reading.

Meanwhile, I was uptight and uneasy and wondered, “Why is my husband so “ungodly” all of a sudden? How could he be doing this to me!? What must everyone think!?”

In December of 1996, we moved to Colorado, to the town where my family had been living for four years. I was five months pregnant by this time, planned to become a stay-at-home mom, and knew I would depend on the support — and free babysitting — of my mom. 😆

Once in Colorado, we made the local Calvary Chapel our church home.  Over the next five years my husband continued to experience a growing hatred for all things ‘church,’ and I was growing more and more frustrated . . . would he ever repent!? He was not doing anything that a Christian should do!

Overwhelmed with bitterness, I would often secretly cry my eyes out behind closed doors, . . . but at times I was not able to hide my resentment. Chris would look into my eyes and detect my true feelings. He’d call me on it, which cut my pride like a knife!

I began to think, “What kind of a Christian has a heart as wicked as mine?”

One Sunday morning we walked into the church foyer of RMCC and Christopher said to me, “I hate this place.”

For years I had been waiting for him to repent of his backsliding and to return to a life of obedience to God. But when he spoke those words, it finally dawned on me that he would never change.

It was 2002, we had three small children, and Chris had given up on church. I continued to take the kids to church without him, but often came home in a bitter mood. In fact, my attitude overall was quite sour.

In time, God was able to reveal to me that something was wrong with this picture. If I was the one attending church, reading my Bible, striving to live a holy life, praying and serving God, why was it that I was so totally critical and hateful!?

It became obvious that my devotion to church had become an idol that I worshiped. Church was hindering my peace with God. I got the impression that He wanted me to quit church! But I had huge doubts. Was the Lord truly telling me that it was time to let go?

I struggled and prayed for months, one day deciding to call my church, Village 7 Presbyterian, in order to ask for godly counsel. The elder told me that I should definitely continue attending church without my husband. He contended Chris’s absence from church was evidence that he wasn’t bearing fruit for God and, therefore, wasn’t saved. Thankfully, I didn’t buy into that nonsense.

It may seem incredible that God would want me to quit church. Yet His urging was so strong – His hand was so heavy on my heart – that this struggle can best be described with the following analogy: I am lying flat on the floor in the foyer of my church having a temper tantrum because I don’t want to leave; I am digging my fingernails into the carpet in order to prevent myself from being dragged away. I am clinging and grasping to no avail — someone has a hold of my feet and is gently pulling me out of the church building: that person is the Lord Himself.

After two years of attending church without my husband, I finally released my idols, lifted my hands in surrender, and said yes to the Lord. I quit church.

Once He had me all to Himself, Jesus began to reveal Himself to me again. I began to experience that glorious JOY that only the Lord can give. His presence satisfied and calmed my restless spirit.

This is what I had been missing! Him!

For years I was devoted to being a good Christian. My relationship with God required constant work. Yet it was only when I gave up that I discovered the truth: I HAVE fellowship with Him – and always will – because He dwells inside of me.

Next, God brought ladies into my life who also did not go to church. We’d meet at parks for play dates with all of our kids, and we would end up having the most amazing conversations.

We’d depart saying to each other, “It’s been nice having church with you!”

God showed me that I wasn’t “forsaking the assembling of ourselves together” after all (Hebrews 10:25).  We don’t go to church; we are the church.

God leads us by our desires, and He gave me a voracious desire to understand why Christopher hated church. Over the three years that I searched for an answer, I read books such as: Pagan Christianity, Why Men Hate Church, Wild at Heart, and Psychoheresy.

During these years I would look forward to going to church on Christmas Eve. At least we did that as a family! But one year, Chris was not in the mood to go. In fact, he wanted to go out and buy some whiskey.

The Lord had been teaching me that He does not look on the outer man, but at a person’s heart. After a difficult inner struggle, I decided to trust in the Lord’s wisdom. I walked over to Chris and gave him a hug.

Speaking from my heart I said, “Okay, we don’t have to go to the Christmas Eve service; go and buy your whiskey. I love you just the way you are. You’re real. And I’m happy that you are not one of those fake, smiling Mr. Christian Nice-Guys who say things like “praise the Lord, brother!”

By 2006, when our youngest was four years old, the Lord had stripped me of most of the rules and laws that I had seen as mandatory for a Christian…. except for one: 1 John 1:9.

I was still holding on tenaciously to it: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” In order to get forgiven for a sin, a Christian HAD to quote 1 John 1:9, right!?

But then one day in early 2007 while listening to AM radio, I heard this guy named Bob George – founder of the radio ministry People to People – give a different interpretation of this verse. Bob said that John was speaking to the Gnostics when he wrote verse nine. That got my attention!

I sat down and read the book of 1 John…and then read it again. It was totally clear. John obviously switches audiences as he writes, and in the famous 1 John 1:9 verse he is not addressing believers.

This had a huge implication: if the issue of forgiveness was truly over, then I no longer had to ask him to forgive me for my daily sins. He had already forgiven me!

I finally understood why John called Jesus “the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.” And when He said, “It is finished,” before dying on the cross, He meant what He said. The work was finished! The sin of the world had been taken away! Thank you, Jesus! “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:32.)

Next, I decided to read Bob George’s book Classic Christianity. This book is a classic that should be read by every Christian. It was there that I learned about legalism, or as Bob calls it, “Galatianism.”  (Legalism was a brand-new concept to me at this point.)

Sitting on our couch, tears streamed down my face as I read the chapter on Galatianism. I knew I had found my answer, and yes, Christopher agreed: it was legalism that had caused him to hate church.

After three years of reading books and sharing my discoveries with Chris and hearing him say, “No, Lisa, that’s not it,” I was so thankful to find what I was looking for.

I found out that Bob George’s ministry had church plants in various parts of the country. I wondered if they had anything in Colorado.  The reply I received from my email said, “We have a church in Denver being led by Aaron Budjen.”

Aaron Budjen!?  I was quite familiar with him!  It just so happened that I had been listening to Aaron’s radio program – Living God Ministries – since it aired directly after People to People. His teaching had intrigued me because of its similarity to what Bob George teaches.

Next, I requested to be put on Aaron’s mailing list, and in June 2007, I learned that he held Bible Studies at the library one mile from my house!!  I could not have been more thrilled.

Attending his Bible Studies confirmed to me this revolutionary notion of being “a forgiven person.” I learned many other truths from Aaron, such as God’s purpose for giving the commandments to Moses and how to describe the fullness of the gospel. I also learned the meaning of law versus grace, the truth about spiritual warfare, and that “the will of God” is actually a Last Will and Testament.

The New Testament, or the New Covenant, is the good news of God’s “Will” to us believers. Aaron Budjen often encouraged us to discover all that we had been given through our inheritance in Christ Jesus, and as I grew in the knowledge of the many spiritual gifts of salvation, my heart began to change.

It is an awe-inspiring thing to be aware of the fact that God Himself is changing my heart. Though the circumstances and the situations of my life have remained the same, my reactions have become different. It was not my knowledge of good and evil and attempting to obey a commandment that changed me . . . it was all Him.

We read in Romans that the Law was given so that transgressions would increase, and in 1 Corinthians that the power of sin is the law, but what do these things mean? Aaron explains that the Law was given to Moses (a total of 613 commandments) in order to show us our need for His mercy.

To quote Aaron: “When it comes to the Law, or any law, the value of it is the degree to which it can be used to condemn a person to the point of despair. Only then will they turn to God for His mercy. So, the more legalistic, the more effective it can be.” (November 2012)

Please check out the Free Radio Archive section of Aaron’s website: www.livinggodministries.net

After about four years of listening to these messages on a regular basis, and attending his Bible Study on a weekly basis, I finally grasped the root cause of my sin.

Aaron teaches that we all have deep-rooted needs for love and acceptance and purpose and meaning. We look to the world or to religion to have these needs met: that is what leads to sin. As we learn that only God can meet our needs – since He created us for that reason – our sin will be reduced.

Once I understood that God meets my needs, my growth in Christ took off. My need for others to like me and accept me dissipated, and I began to share the fullness of the gospel with them.

God is able to teach me because I am no longer trying to be a Christian in my own strength. I am resting in Him – the Lord of the Sabbath!

He taught me what it means to pray continually, to be thankful in every circumstance, and to rejoice always. This is a perfect summary of our life in Christ: I talk to Him throughout the day, which reminds me to be thankful, and being thankful causes my spirit to rejoice!

The Law told me that I had to love my God with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength. But I found that commandment impossible to obey. God understands that; He intended the Law to lead me to HIM. He is a person and He wants me to hear Him, to go to Him, to lean on Him, to depend on Him. Now God is able to work in and through me, and I find that I love Him and desire Him with all of my heart!

It is only by doing ‘nothing’ that we succeed! It is only in resting, in choosing not to work, that we discover the meaning of ‘walking in the spirit.’

There remains, therefore, a rest for the people of God. For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His. Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest, lest anyone fall according to the same example of disobedience. (Hebrews 4:9-11)

 THE END

October 6, 2017