Why do I get continually deceived into believing that the things of this world can fill me up and satisfy me? It always leads to disappointment and sadness and even despair. But, then my tender loving God gives me a nudge and reminds me that I feel “empty” because I was created to be filled by HIM; that only He can meet my deep longing for love and acceptance, meaning and purpose.
I’m a highly sensitive and overly emotional person. Maybe for that reason, the Lord God relates to me mainly through emotions. He has a unique relationship with each of His children, but with me and Him, there is a lot of crying. Sometimes I think that I have the spiritual gift of “crying His tears,” but I don’t remember seeing that one listed in Romans or Corinthians.
He also shares a lot of the “feel good” emotions with me too, so today I am copying a section from my diary about His joyous love!
(Diary entry from September 14, 2016)
“You love me. My beloved is mine. You called me – You drew me to Yourself. You waited – You saved me. I received Your life. You made Yourself known. I became a new creation! I was amazed by the truth – by YOU. It was real – to be born again. It’s real!
I walked in the Spirit. I drifted. I became tempted by the Law. The devil engaged me in battle. He used the lie – if you only know what is good, and do that; and if you only know what is evil, and you avoid that, then you can be like God.
And I believed his lie! I gave it my all. I was zealous for Legalism.
I even moved away and went to Bible College. It got worse. I could then be devoted to legalism 7 days a week / 24 hours a day.
…I was proud. I was confident that I was sanctifying myself – what a FOOL.
But I had always wanted to get married… (And so I did.)
The early years of our marriage were hard. I didn’t feel cherished. I didn’t really feel loved. We just weren’t soul mates. We weren’t “made for each other.” …
I expected my husband to be a believer. He didn’t act like one. We didn’t share the same faith. Recently, he admitted that he may have faked it. May have lied. He really just wanted to get married.
I struggled a lot those 1st seven years. They were hard. So much I did not understand. My husband had given up trying to live a life that he could not live. Christianity became one big, huge burden. He threw it off completely when our 3rd-born was a baby. From 2002 – 2004 I went to church by myself. Downcast. Sad. Angry. Resentful. Frustrated. Questioning . . .
I was supposed to be a Christian. But I sure wasn’t acting like it. The emptiness and futility of my “Christian effort” was proving to be a waste. Why was I so hateful? Where was the love and kindness and forgiveness? It was like when someone realizes they are living in the Matrix. I was waking up. I was beginning to see the bars of my cage. My eyes were opening. I still could not see clearly.
I had doubts. I had questions. NO! It’s not possible that I am a prisoner of war. But, I was! It would take a few more years for me to see that fact clearly.
First, I had to quit church. In 2005, I stopped going to church.
Those two years were remarkable and eye-opening. Then in 2007, I found Bob George. Read his book, Classic Christianity.
Next, I found Aaron Budjen. Aaron. That mighty warrior for the Lord. Then I found out about his Bible Studies. But it was mainly through listening to his CD’s and radio programs – and by listening to his Radio Archive through his website that I began to GROW!
I began to grow up in every way. As soon as I grasped the fact that I was a forgiven person . . . the chains fell off. The prison cage fell away. The strongholds fell down. MY THINKING BECAME OBEDIENT TO CHRIST! 🙂
“Take every thought captive…”
The only way that is possible is to believe in the gospel. Believe in the simplicity of what He has done.
He first loved me! So I love Him! I love my brothers and sisters too! We are a family. 🙂
I love the way You are leading me, Lord. You are preparing the works for me to walk in. You lead me. You use me. You teach me.
(It’s too good to be true!)
But it IS true! It is real. The God of the Universe is my Lord and my friend!
Thank you Mighty Father!